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Al Gore Internet Access for All


I'll leave it to others to carry on the important work former president Clinton started in health care reform after discovering that 37 million Americans have no health insurance.

Now that Clinton has magnanimously stepped down, rather than embroil the US in lengthy Whitewater hearings, and I'm president, I plan to make it my top priority to deal with a really serious problem. As horrifying and unthinkable as it is in this day and age, 212 million Americans don't have network access.

The current network situation is an intolerable and inefficient hodgepodge of private, university, and government access providers. People in different parts of the country pay different amounts for network access. Different providers give different levels of service. There's no excuse for this. Access to the net -- equal access to the net-is a fundamental human right.

Tipper and I have developed a program which will guarantee equal access to the information superhighway to all Americans, tall or poor, rich or thin, white or non-smokers.

All access to the net will be through one's employer. Employers will deal only with large centralized network access providers. There will be only one provider in each area of the country, cutting down on wasteful duplication. All providers will be heavily regulated, and will be required to offer the exact same services for the exact same prices. All employers will be required to participate, and to pay the full costs.

Unemployed people's access will be paid for by the government. This
is not expected to require any tax increase. At least, not a very large
tax increase. At least, not before the next election.

Since individuals will not be charged for the services, some may be
tempted to abuse the privilege. Especially because many newsgroups are
known to be highly addictive. To prevent this, newsgroup access will be
available only by prescription.

For instance, if someone wants access to alt.sex, they would schedule an appointment with their Primary Network Consultant. In a few weeks, when the appointment comes up, they'd come in at 8 am and get to speak briefly with their Consultant at some time that day or evening. The Consultant would refer them to a sex consulatant or other specialist, as appropriate. After a few weeks, they'd have a similar appointment with the specialist, who would then prescribe alt.sex or some other newsgroup as appropriate.

They would take the prescription to their Network Access Provider to get the prescribed newsgroup added to their .newsrc. To prevent fraud and corruption, all prescriptions will be carefully tracked by the government in large databases, closely secured against everyone who doesn't have the carefully guarded top secret phone number for modem access (202-456-1414). Also, all prescriptions automatically expire after 30 days. They can be renewed only after another appointment with one's Primary Network Consultant and the specialist he refers one to.

FTP, IRC, Gopher, WAIS, World Wide Web, Archie, telnet, rlogin, finger, and e-mail, may also be made available by prescription, if they are approved by the Federal Data Administration (FDA). For reasons of public safety, network services and newsgroups not approved by the FDA will be strictly banned. Anyone caught owning, using, producing, providing, or advocating unapproved services, mailing lists, or newsgroups, will be subject to zero tolerance-everything they own will be forfeited to the government, without a trial.

Also, anyone who rents an apartment or gives a job to a suspected network abuser will be subject to zero tolerance. Of course, this being a free country, nobody will actually be sent to prison without a fair trial. Since nobody who's accused will be able to afford an attorney, the government will provide them with an attorney of our choice without charge. And anyone guilty of three offenses will serve a mandatory life sentence without parole.

Similarly with anyone who writes, posesses, distributes, manufactures,
sells, uses, posts, backs up, saves, promulgates, perpetrates, forwards,
or laughs at, a spoof that makes official government policies or proposals look ridiculous.
Al Gore president@whitehouse.gov





The april fools practical jokes and gag gifts contained in this site are so funny that if I am drinking milk while checking these jokes out, I snort all that white liquid out my nose! Don't be one of the april fools, doggonit, check these practical jokes and gag gifts out! The practical jokes practically bring the house down! Down through history the fools of April have had their day, one day a year. See what those april fools have been up to and don't laugh with them, laugh at them.

- Walter Cronkite

April and her band of fools just love the tomfoolery on this site. From media hoaxes to pranks to gag gifts to practical jokes this site makes me laugh even when I'm in trouble with the law. Say, does anyone know if April is available because I would like to be her fool if you know what I mean. And if not does she have a sister?

- Bill Clinton

This April fools practical jokes and gag gifts pad is a jolly good site, indeed. I perused it over one time and laughed so hard it almost made me pee. Then a month later, I thought I would look up a few April fools practical jokes to play on dear young William (and even bought a few gag gifts) and I came back to this pad and laughed so hard I did pee my pants. Jolly good thing I am wearing Depends now days.

- Queen Elizabeth

It is not knowledge that is important, but rather imagination. And this April fools site is chocked full of imagination. And of course knowledge. Of course you can't deny the great gag gifts and practical jokes you find here, either. When I wrote my great theory I wasn't really thinking of great media hoaxes or fart jokes but yes, now I see that they too can apply. The jokes here are practical and the gifts make me gag. Would you like to see me slurp a loogie?

Eddie Einstein (Albert's little brother)

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