WASHINGTON, April 1 — President Bush
announced today that the 2004 presidential
election will be canceled due to the war on
terrorism and other scheduling conflicts.
Although the U.S.
Constitution expressly mandates that presidential
elections be held every four years, a little-known
clause in the USA Patriot Act, which Congress
hastily approved in the wake of the Sept.
11 terrorist attacks, gives the sitting
president the option to cancel a presidential
election and remain in office indefinitely
if he deems it in the national interest.
In a brief statement
from the Oval Office, Bush said, ""A
dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier,
there's no question about it," adding,
"My administration is where our nation
finds hope, where wings take dream."
Upon hearing the
news, Democrats on Capitol Hill promptly
rolled over and capitulated.
Former Vice President
Al Gore was unavailable for comment, as
he could not be immediately resuscitated.
Experts agree that
the election likely would have been only
a formality anyway, with Bush currently
enjoying approval ratings unmatched in presidential
history. The latest Fox News Opinion Poll
put Bush's job performance rating at 165
percent.
The 2004 Re-Election
Security Act is the latest in a series of
presidential initiatives intended to bring
Americans aid and comfort during a time
of unprecedented fear and uncertainty. It
comes on the heels of Bush's highly touted
Economic Security Act and Energy Security
Act, as well as the more controversial Snack
Food Security Act.
The cancellation
of the election is expected to save the
oil, energy, accounting, tobacco and gun
industries an estimated $50 million in expenditures
over the next two years. Instead, the corporations
will be asked to make voluntary donations
to a new pet project Bush announced today.
Under the plan, known
as the Mt. Rushmore Security Act, George
Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln,
and Theodore Roosevelt will be joined by
new stone carvings of both George W. Bush
and his father, former President George
H. W. Bush. A dedication ceremony will be
held on the first Tuesday of November 2004
in lieu of the presidential election.
It is not clear when,
if ever, another presidential election will
be held. But congressional researchers announced
today that they had discovered another obscure
clause in the USA Patriot Act that sheds
some light on the matter.
The clause, buried
in a subsection called the Bush Dynasty
Security Act, states that in the event George
W. Bush should ever leave office, anyone
not named Jeb, Jenna or Barbara is expressly
prohibited from governing the country.
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