Microsoft Conducts Nuclear Tests
leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft
Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear
test at a secret facility in eastern Washington
state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT
(1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to
coincide with talks between Microsoft and
the US Department of Justice over possible
"Microsoft is going to defend its right
to market its products by any
and all necessary means," said Microsoft
CEO Bill Gates. "Not that
I'm anti-government" he continued, "but
there would be few tears shed
in the computer industry if Washington were
engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."
Scientists pegged the explosion at around
100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped my latte
when I saw the seismometer" explained
University of Washington geophysicist Dr.
Whoops Blammover, "At first I thought
it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, damn,
there goes the mountain bike vacation."
In Washington, President Clinton announced
the US Government would boycott all Microsoft
products indefinitely. Minutes later, the
President reversed his decision. "We've
tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they
don't work," said the President. Instead,
the administration will initiate a policy
of "constructive engagement" with
Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan
Myrhvold said the test
justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of
the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the US
Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire
"kilograms of weapons grade plutonium"
in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've
finally found a place to dump those millions
of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob." Myrhvoldwarned
users not to replace Microsoft NT products
with rival operating systems.
"I can neither confirm nor deny the existence
of a radioisotope thermoelectric generator
inside of every Pentium II microprocessor,"
said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs
an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on
the Internet is going to get what they deserve."
The existence of an RTG in each Pentium II
microprocessor would explain why the microprocessors,
made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot.
The Intel chips "put out more heat than
they draw in electrical power" said Prof.
E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally
dispell those stories about cold fusion."
Rumors suggest a second weapons development
project is underway in California, headed
by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're
doing all of the development work in Java,"
said one source close to the project. The
development of a delivery system is said to
be holding up progress. "Write once,
bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment."
Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple
interim-CEO Steve Jobs was rumored to be in
discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about
deploying Apple's Newton technology against
Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb
the Valley has developed in years," said
one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be
around when they drop that product a second
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