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NASA Headline News

Tuesday, April 31, 1994 Audio: 202/555-1788

This is NASA Headline News for Friday, April 31.....

The Congressional Budget Explorer Module (CBEM) is scheduled for installation in the orbiter Titanic's payload bay this afternoon.

Technicians resolved an earlier problem with hydraulic line pressure when it was discovered that several fragments of lobbyist had become stuck in a flapper valve. The 127-ton CBEM payload will mark the beginning of NASA's ambitious decade-long "Mission to Fort Knox."
A Flight Eagerness Review is scheduled for tomorrow and Thursday.

The current target launch date is Friday, May 11. If no further problems
are uncovered in the FER, the launch will probably be pushed back a few days anyway just for the heck of it. The CBEM launch window ends on Tuesday, May 21, when Venus rises in Aquarius and Neptune's influence is no longer balanced, violating critical Astral launch criteria.

* *

Meanwhile, the Velikovsky spacecraft is in good health on its journey to
Venus. It's now 122 million miles from Venus and about 28 feet from Earth. Engineers at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory report that failure to actually launch Velikovsky has had little impact on its ability to perform the primary pseudoscience missions. Earlier problems with voltage fluctuations in the Wide Eyed/Credulous Subject Scanner are being monitored carefully. "I'm pretending this is really exciting," says JPL team leader Geraldo R. Spencer.

In other planetary mission news, technicians at the Deep Space Network installation in Canberra, Australia have identified the probable cause of signal weakness in the primary 90-meter antenna: the dish was
apparently mounted upside-down. A tentative schedule and budget
estimate for correcting the mount is underway. DSN Australian
Coordinator Michael J. Dundee was quoted in the Australian weekly "P*** Off Mate" as saying that this mystifying problem had never been
encountered before, but was probably due to reliance on American antenna design parameters. "I'm still not convinced that anything's wrong, but we'll try it the other way and see."

* *

Leak checks are underway on the Contractor Information Network (CIN) at Huntsville, Alabama. Technicians at the Huntsville Program Survival Facility (PSF) expect to begin CIN closeouts by Thursday. The system will then be purged for use.

Aerobuck Weekly reports that in testimony last Thursday before the House Space and Storm Door Subcommittee, NASA Administrator Roald Sagdeev testified that a recent re-re-reshuffling and "options devaluation" would enable Space Station to proceed despite the latest round of budget cuts, but warned this was "absolutely the last cut that can be sustained." Citing internal NASA studies, the publication listed
several cost cutting measures under consideration, including a two year
stretchout of the Ground Telerobotic Administrator (GTA) subsystem, and eliminating atmospheric pressure in the one remaining crew module, which would also be downsized from 23 feet to 16 feet. The name of the station would be officially changed from "Freedom" to "Fred" to fit the new bulkhead dimensions.

* *

The Soviets and Japanese jointly announced a contract with Hilton Hotels last week, to provide a 335-room passenger module for the international Sakharov Space Station currently under construction in Earth orbit.

Malawi became the 78th nation in space Sunday, launching an 1820-pound satellite into orbit atop an Indonesian Merlata II booster. This launcher now has a record of 69 successes in 71 launches.

The last remaining Scout rocket was lost in a launch pad accident near Wallops Island Proving Ground last week, according to a NASA spokesman.

Technicians apparently made an error in connecting a hydraulic feed line
to the rocket as it awaited payload checkout, connecting it to the purge valve for a nearby Toxic Waste Holding Facility instead. The first stage appears to have partially dissolved and melted itself to the concrete apron; EPA officials have ordered the site sealed pending checkout by an Emergency Response team.

* * * * * * * *

Here's the broadcast schedule for Public Affairs events on NASA Deflect TV. All times are Eastern.

Tuesday, April 31.....

11:30 A.M. "Budget Cut Spinoffs" - classroom teaching aid
Monday, May 0....

9:00 A.M. Colloquium on Soviet Inferiority

10:00 A.M. Three Letter Acronym (TLA) List Update (LU)

11:00 A.M. Pre-launch News Conference

12:00 A.M. Post-scrub News Conference

Friday, April 35....

4:00 A.M. Replay of the Administrator's Good Friday speech:
"The Crucifixion: A Lesson for NASA?"

5:30 A.M. Livestock Report

6:00 A.M. Astronaut Aerobics/Morning Workout

All events and times and missions and appropriations are subject to change without notice.





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- Walter Cronkite

April and her band of fools just love the tomfoolery on this site. From media hoaxes to pranks to gag gifts to practical jokes this site makes me laugh even when I'm in trouble with the law. Say, does anyone know if April is available because I would like to be her fool if you know what I mean. And if not does she have a sister?

- Bill Clinton

This April fools practical jokes and gag gifts pad is a jolly good site, indeed. I perused it over one time and laughed so hard it almost made me pee. Then a month later, I thought I would look up a few April fools practical jokes to play on dear young William (and even bought a few gag gifts) and I came back to this pad and laughed so hard I did pee my pants. Jolly good thing I am wearing Depends now days.

- Queen Elizabeth

It is not knowledge that is important, but rather imagination. And this April fools site is chocked full of imagination. And of course knowledge. Of course you can't deny the great gag gifts and practical jokes you find here, either. When I wrote my great theory I wasn't really thinking of great media hoaxes or fart jokes but yes, now I see that they too can apply. The jokes here are practical and the gifts make me gag. Would you like to see me slurp a loogie?

Eddie Einstein (Albert's little brother)

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