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New Hacker Barbie Hits Toy Stores
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1996 NEW BARBIE! (LA,
California)
Mattel announces their new line of Barbie
products, the "Hacker Barbie." These
new dolls will be released next month. The
aim of these dolls is to negate the stereotype
that women are numerophobic, computer-illiterate,
andn academically challenged. This new line
of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbie's
very own X-terminal and UNIX documentation
as well as ORA's "In a Nutshell"
series.
The Barbie clothing includes a dirty button-up
shirt and a pair of
well-worn jeans. Accessories include a Casio
all-purpose watch, and glasses with lenses
thick enough to set ants on fire. (Pocket
protectors and HP calculators optional.) The
new Barbie has the incredible ability to stare
at the screen without blinking her eyes and
to go without eating or drinking for 16 hours
straight. Her vocabulary mainly consists of
technical terms such as "What's your
Internet address?", "I like TCP/IP!",
"Bummer! Your kernel must have gotten
trashed," "Can't you grep that file?",
and "DEC's Alpha AXP is awesome!"
"We are very excited about this product,"
said Ken Olsen, Marketing
Executive, "and we hope that the Hacker
Barbie will offset the damage
incurred by the mathophobic Barbie."
(A year ago, Mattel released Barbie dolls
that say, "Math is hard," with a
condescending companion Ken.) The Hacker Barbie's
Ken is an incompetent management consultant
who frequently asks Barbie for help.
The leading feminists are equally excited
about this new line of Barbie
dolls. Naomi Falodji says, "I believe
that these new dolls will finally
terminate the notion that women are inherently
inferior when it comes to mathematics and
the sciences. However, I feel that Ken's hierarchical
superiority would simply reinforce the patriarchy
and oppress the masses."
Mattel made no comment.
Parents, however, are worried that they will
fall behind the children
technologically when the Hacker Barbie comes
out. "My daughter Jenny plays with the
prototype Hacker Barbie for two days,"
says Mrs. Mary Carlson of rural Oxford, Mississippi,
"and now she pays my credit card bill
online.
Got no idea how she does it, but she surely
does it. I just don't wanna be looked upon
as some dumb mama." Mattel will be offering
free training courses for those who purchase
the Hacker Barbie.
The future Hacker Barbie will include several
variations to deal with the complex aspects
of Barbie. "Hacker Barbie Goes to Jail"
will teach computer ethics to youngsters,
while "BARBIE RITES L1KE BIFF!!!"
will serve as an introduction to expository
writing.
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Eddie Einstein (Albert's little brother)
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