|Playing chess out
of doors will soon be a ticketable offence
in America's largest city.
A spokesperson with
Mayor Rudy Giuliani's office confirmed today
that a bylaw is planned to prohibit persons
from engaging in the world's foremost intellectual
game anywhere in a public setting.
great strides in combatting litter, panhandling,
and other urban blights", said spokesperson
Frank Marshall. "This is really just
the next logical step."
The plan calls for
a fine of $100 for a first incident, increasing
to $500 for repeat offenders.
Those persons carrying
on a simultaneous exhibition will face much
stiffer penalties, and anyone caught playing
the Latvian gambit could be hit with jail
Open-air chess has
had a long and colorful history in New York.
For decades, addicts of the game have gathered
in Washington Square to play fast-paced
"blitz" chess and enjoy each other's
company. But this proud tradition is soon
to come to an end.
"We see this
as the first step in a 'No Nerd New York'
campaign", said the spokesperson. "Everybody
knows that chess players are gormless wimps
who dress funny and can't get a date. We
want to promote a more hip image of our
When confronted with
the fact that Humphrey Bogart, John Wayne,
rap and movie star Will Smith, rock legend
Sting, and the breathtakingly handsome About
Chess Guide David Dunbar all are or were
chess fans, Mr. Marshall merely replied,
"yadda, yadda, yadda".
He also pointed out
that this entire thing is just a silly April
Fools Joke that has gone on long enough.