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Student Body President Alex
Lowe's ego exploded yesterday,
killing one and injuring
five others who stood nearby.
The blast occurred shortly
after a 1 p.m. lunch appointment
with Dean of Students
Stayner Landward, who told
Lowe he wasn't "all that."
Reports from the bomb
squad indicate the explosion
was long overdue.
"This was one of the biggest
egos I've seen in my 35 years of
work," said Tom Garland, chief
of the bomb squad. "We're really
lucky that this one didn't
go off when there were more
people around."
The explosion killed Lowe's
loyal Vice President Bobby
Harrington, who was among
those comforting and complimenting
Lowe after Landward
made his statement. Five others
suffered only minor injuries.
"You don't know how hard it
is to lose Bobby," Lowe said in
tears. "He was exceptional at
making me look good. Who am
I going to poke fun of in front
of others now?"
Lowe's relationship with
Harrington dates back to elementary
school. There, the two
incessantly practiced the option-
a football play that gives
the quarterback the option to
pitch the ball to his halfback-
in hopes of dominating the local
flag football scene.
"We usually would play a
league below our own because
it felt really good to
win every game," Lowe said.
"There was one year I rushed
for probably, I don't know,
10,000 yards? Bobby was a
pretty good decoy, but these
legs of mine are really what
got the j ob done."
Lowe's co-workers said they
will miss Harrington, but not
Lowe's ego.
"I'm thinking this means I
won't have to get down on my
knees and end every sentence
with 'O thou most attractive,
wise and not balding' whenever
I offer a suggestion anymore,"
said Patrick Barnes,
chief of staff for the Associated
Students of the University of
Utah.
"Maybe Alex will start treating
people like people instead
of dogs. That's my hope, anyway,"
said Sara Hogan, senior
class president.
Lowe's parents, however,
said they feared the loss of
their son's ego could jeopardize
his chances of getting into
an Ivy League school like his
brother before him.
"I didn't give Alex all that
campaign money for nothing.
He had better get into Harvard
at least, or some heads are going
to roll," Lowe's fa ther said.
Though Lowe will now have
to function as president without
the ego he had been building
for years, he is c onfident he
can adjust.
"It's weird. I know I have an
important position, but I don't
have that urge to talk down to
people anymore. It's as if they
were my equals, my friends,"
he said.
Funeral services for Harrington
will be held April 3 in
the Union Free Speech area
following a 10 a.m. press conference
Lowe organized to
outline his administration's accomplishments.
mkoo@chronic.utah.edu
Disclaimer: The above article is part The Chronicle's
annual April Fool's Day issue. All events are
fictional and plots are satirical...in other words,
all of this is completely made up. So don't call
your lawyers.
By Miso Koo
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